


All the Single Ladies

by prissygirl



Series: 100 Follower Promptathon [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Queens of Darkness, Rumbelle - Freeform, drinking buddies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 06:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3757606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prissygirl/pseuds/prissygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Belle, Neal, and Regina enter the Rabbit Hole and find a very drunk Cruella and Zelena fighting over who has the biggest crush on the Dark One. AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Single Ladies

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before last Sunday’s episode, “Heart of Gold”, and so consequently is very AU now. Serves me right for waiting so long to post it, right? 
> 
> Part of my 100 Follower Promptathon on Tumblr! You can find me there under "prissyhalliwell".

Zelena hunched over the bar, clutching her third martini in a death grip. Though her skin was nowhere near the color it had been in the Enchanted Forest, her face was quickly beginning to take on a strange, sickly hue.

“Darling, you’re positively green!” Cruella laughed and set her glass down. It was obvious to her that the little witch was no match for her when it came to drinking gin. “I think you’ve had enough.”

“I just don’t understand why!” Zelena whined, pulling her glass away from Cruella when the older woman tried to take it away. “I could have given Rumpelstiltskin everything, if only he had loved me. Instead, he gave up his magic for that pathetic little librarian.”

Cruella snorted, rearranging her fur coat which had begun to slip off her shoulders at some point in the night. “Call me old-fashioned, but I think locking him up for a year and killing his only son may not have been the best way to win him over.”

Zelena shook her head, her glass waving precariously around in her hand. “It’s not like Neal stayed dead or anything. The Author fixed all of that months ago after that so-called True Love’s kiss made Rumpelstiltskin mortal.” Zelena took a long sip of her martini. “I don’t see how he can still be mad at me for killing someone who isn’t actually dead. You don’t see me holding a grudge against him, do you?”

“Look, you had your chance with him and it didn’t work. He simply wasn’t into your ‘50 Shades’ shtick.” Cruella looked a bit green herself for a moment. “Honestly, even I find it a bit creepy. I wouldn’t even be socializing with you in public if Ursula and Maleficent were still here.”

The bartender walked by just then and Cruella motioned for him to come over. “Be a doll and bring me another gin and tonic.” She reached out a red gloved hand to still him as he began to leave. “Leave the gin bottle this time.”

Ten minutes later, Cruella was beginning to get a headache. She wasn’t sure if it was from the amount of gin she had drank to drown out the pitiful noises that Zelena was making, or if the other witch’s incessant whining was the main culprit alone. Cruella put down her now empty glass on the counter with a loud clink, grimacing at the noise.

“Oh do stop your moaning,” Cruella chided. “You never stood a chance. Even if he hadn’t met his little maid, I would have snatched him up eventually.” Her eyes glazed over and her voice took on a somewhat dreamy quality. “The first moment I saw him I had the strongest urge to snatch him up and carry him around like a puppy in my crocodile skin handbag.”

Zelena gave her a sidelong glance and raised her glass to her lips. Her words were muffled, but Cruella was fairly sure she heard her say, “And they call me crazy.”

The two were half a second away from coming to blows when Belle, Neal, and Regina walked into the bar.

Zelena saw them first and desperately tried to hide her face from view. Cruella, seeing what had caused her companion’s distress, realized the kindest thing she could do for her would be to get the heroes as far away from the bar as possible.

“Why hello there, my darlings!” Cruella called loudly across the room. “Come and join us, won’t you?”

“Cruella!” Zelena squeaked. “Don’t!”

“There’s more than enough room.”

“I’m warning you.”

“Zelena was just saying how glad she was that she didn’t manage to kill any of you,” Cruella drawled. Her glance fell on Neal. “At least not permanently, of course.”

The other three made their way to where the two women sat, eyeing both witches warily.

“Yeah and flying monkeys are actually really cuddly,” Neal said sarcastically.

Cruella gave a slow smile, revealing unnaturally white teeth. She put a hand on Neal’s forearm. “Such a dear boy. You certainly inherited your father’s penchant for witty comments.” She lowered her lashes provocatively. “You aren’t by any chance single, are you?”

Regina snorted. “Only if you find a way to successfully kill the Savior for once.”

Cruella pulled back her hand quickly. “Pity.”

During their entire conversation, Zelena had been staring daggers at Belle, who was pretending not to notice. Cruella noticed though and gave a bit of a cackle before turning back to the other three, her disappointment in Neal’s availability forgotten.

“Now what brings you all to this glittering establishment? I hope it’s not for their best liquor, because we’ve drank through that already.”

Regina cleared her throat and grimaced. Zelena wasn’t paying attention – too busy in her one-sided glaring contest with Belle – so Regina reached out and smacked her sister on the shoulder.

“Ow!” Zelena scowled. “What in the hell was that for?”

“So many things,” Regina thought to herself. But out loud she only said, “Mom has invited us over for dinner tonight. She wants to have another family meal.”

Zelena groaned. “I’ll never understand why the Author thought bringing her back was a good idea.”

“Well, don’t blame me. You’re the one whose happy ending involved getting to know her.”

“Oh, fine. I’ll bring my tuna casserole,” Zelena said petulantly. She glanced at Neal before her gaze settled once again on Belle. “Why did you have to bring this homewrecker with you though?”  
  
Throughout the whole visit, Belle had been strangely calm and serene. However, at Zelena’s comment, her happiness abruptly disappeared. Belle’s eyes flashed with anger. “Excuse me?” She took a step towards Zelena and poked her in the chest. “Another word from you and the only home I’ll wreck is the one over your head!”

“Alright, that’s enough, Mom,” Neal said fondly, easily hauling the petite brunette back.

Regina smirked, clearly amused by Belle’s attempt to maul her sister. “I wouldn’t antagonize the bookworm if I were you,” she said to Zelena. “She’s a bit feistier than usual. I think it’s the hormones.”

Zelena’s eyes narrowed. “What hormones?” she asked suspiciously.

Cruella laughed. “Didn’t you know, darling? Rumpelstiltskin and his little maid are having puppies.”

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as the others watched Zelena’s face – her expression quickly becoming one of horror as the meaning of Cruella’s words finally sunk in. A strangled cry left her throat before her eyes rolled back in her head and she slumped to the floor unconscious. The loud thump as she hit the ground was enough to draw the attention of every other customer in the bar. But once they realized that it was only Zelena, they quickly returned to what they had been doing. Over by the pool table, a few of the dwarves exchanged high fives.

Cruella gave an exasperated sigh, sliding off her bar stool and stepping over Zelena’s body. “Would there be room for one more at this family dinner of yours? I find the company here rather lacking.”

Regina shrugged her shoulders. “Half the town is going to be there, so it hardly makes a difference. Besides, odds are you’re probably related to one of us anyway.”

The four began to make their way towards the exit. Neal glanced back at Zelena who still lay unconscious on the floor.

“Sure seems sad to waste a chance to throw a bucket of water on her,” he said, turning back to grin at his step-mother.

Belle returned his smile, looping her arm through his. They fell into step behind the other two women. “Yes, I’m sure Rumple will be sad he missed a chance to kill her again.” Belle’s grin suddenly became a bit mischievous. “Poor dear, he wasn’t even able to get out of bed today.”

Neal paused. “You didn’t tell me he was sick. What’s wrong with him?”

Belle glanced over his shoulder and noticed that Zelena had pulled herself up and was listening to their conversation. The recently re-married Mrs. Gold took a perverse delight in seeing Zelena once again flop to the floor after her answer.

“Hormones.”


End file.
